I am simply at my worst these days. Wild and
unpredictable emotions rush on me. It is a place
where the layer of control and composure are very thin.

This school year has been an endless working,
always desperate, collection of days. Each
passing week seemed to unmask some flaw
in me.. Like peeling an onion skin.

Emotionally, spiritually, I droop like a hanged man.
Its not the work. I survive practice and academic
battles as if by some brand of magic.. no its more.
I have lost my goal. Like biblical engineers raising the
tower of Babbel on the plain of Sennaar, I am struck
by a lack of focus.. my direction, my original plan,
seems shallow, I stand purposefully gelded.

Its not just school, its worse.. I am SO much less
whom i want to BE. Like a asymptotic curve I
constantly miss my ideal. I am hunted, internally, by
my own inner voice, that seeker of perfection.. it lurks
like the prowling wolf, stalk bent walk.. sifting my every
thought, my every action for flaws.. until like the wing
weary hunted pray I could almost welcome the killers
warmth for sweet silence

In a mood somewhere between cowardly and
courageous I finally approach my mom.. In a speech
from the scaffold i told her of my black, tight
treacherous spiral.. of my doubts about EVERYTHING.

I expected the worst.. a disappointment, in less
than cryptic, cyphered messages, a slow sharpening
of her claws on me for ENDLESS shortcomings..

Instead i got miracles.. as if rigid constellations
had shifted.. an atmosphere of freedom earned.. and
at least for that moment, the mom who used to sing
me awake in the mornings as a girl.. and a delicious
summer of rest.

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